I'm Not Your Hero

WHOA, so been a while eh? I forget about this blog often but then events happen that remind me why I should never forget about this blog and especially the people that I met through this blog. But let's quickly recap (gasp! Shall we include photos!) what has happened since my last post (bigger GASP! in June (eek!)

1) I got to be a bridesmaids in one of my best friends weddings. I don't think there's any kinder person in the entire universe and I'm blessed to know such wonderful people, [hint: this will be a recurring theme, so if you're not in the mood for happy happy joy joy you better quit reading right now.] The trip was amazing, I got to see friends and family and really be reminded of where I came from, AND! I got to try on a superbowl ring, which is always fun. Look! Here's a photo!

2) After I got back it was work as usual for a bit and then I got to work the MTV VMA's as part of the stage managing crew and it was an amazing experience. I got to help set up for an awesome show and meet tons of awesome people and watch some great performances up close and personal. I got to talk to Rebel Wilson again and make some awesome new friends whilst getting paid! Talk about living the dream. (Look! Another photo!)

3) Took a trip to Santa Barbara, went to Disney with friends, sadly that was for a going away shindig. Birthday parties and a new roommate. It's been a whirlwind. 

AND THEN!

I met Tegan and Sara, for anyone who's read this blog at all I'm sure you know how awesome this was for me. I found out they were playing at Conan and asked my friend there if she could do anything and oh boy did she pull through. She got me into rehearsals! WOOT! Then got me a VIP pass for the show! YAY! Then told them about me, so they invited me backstage! WHAT!?!? After talking to them for 15 minutes Sara invited me to come join the contest winners before their show at the Staples Center and listen to new songs before they're released! RIDICULOUS! I still can't believe how crazy life can be. And of course, here's a photo of that. 

4) As if that wasn't enough of a reminder as to how great life is I then got to take a trip to NYC with an amazing friend and meet up with more badass people while on vacation. I started by meeting up with a friend from MSU who was kind enough to let us stay at her place (thanks Lauren!) it was awesome to get some Spartan spirit back in my life. A few days into the trip I met up with my friend Julie Klam (who just released her new book! [which is amazing])! My friend Charlotte (who is amazingly talented!) and my love LOLA (most of you are familiar with her badassness). I got to see some ex-coworkers, and meet up with my friend Sarah and tour Julliard and take in a show. This trip was amazing and getting to jam this many friends into this short of a time made me realize how extremely fortunate I am to have awesome people in my life. Lola in particularly, when we stayed with her was such a welcoming presence into my life right now. I'm currently going through having a friendship end (not because I wanted it to) and I have no idea actually why it's ending. It's really upsetting to me to lose a friend. Being an only child my friends are my family. So having someone like Lola (who I met through blogging) be just an incredibly wonderful human being means so, so, much. Photos from this entire trip can be seen at https://www.icloud.com/photostream/#A3JtdOXmYtQHZ

5) Now I'm back in LA waiting for Halloween and trying to prep my costume and try to not let this new found lack of a friendship bother me, I just wish I knew if it was my fault, something I'd done. 

On that note I'm going to leave you with this song, which was one of the songs we heard on the bus with T&S. I'm Not Your Hero

Franklin

As I sit here, procrastinating packing for my trip to Michigan next week, I can't help but think about how last year that statement would have read "As I sit here, procrastinating for my trip HOME next week" but the realization I've come to is that Paw Paw isn't really my home anymore.

What does it mean? What makes a place home? It's definitely not family, because, although mine is scattered about the country, California houses none of them. Is it friends? Because I have those all over. It's not a house per say, I live in an apartment in a Russian neighborhood with a goat down the street. I honestly don't know what it is, or even the moment when Los Angeles became my home. But last month, fellow blogger, Kevin was visiting and as we were visiting my friend at his bar overlooking the city I honestly COULD NOT even think about living somewhere else. Yeah, sure, LA is smoggy and traffic-y and expensive, but it's also beautiful, and exciting and so vast and different. 

Recently I've gone back to the old, but good, Franklin, by Paramore. It's the best feeling when a song perfectly expresses you thoughts. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to go back and I'm stoked to get to hang with the people who are left in Michigan, but more ideally, I'd like them all in California, with me. But at the moment, the places I go, the people around me, and the possibilities before me are perfect, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Does anyone else get this feeling? Where did you move to/from? What makes a location a home for you? 

Here's a link to the title song: Franklin

Starring Role

Is it bad that the main reason I'm writing this is to tell everyone to go get (legally or illegally) the new Marian and the Diamonds album "Electra Heart" IT IS SO GOOD. The song that I've titled this post after "Starring Role" is so great, I cannot stop listening.

After I got to the page I realized it's been so long since I've blogged that the entire layout has changed?!? What the eff? I don't know how to hyperlink my title anymore, is that not possible? Anyways, I wanted to pop in and talk about how crazy the connections we in the blogger world can form are. Recently, a fellow blogger/twitter/facebook friend came to stay in LA for the weekend and we had a blast, and throughout the weekend it occurred to me how some of my actual real life friends have made little to no effort to visit since my move and yet, here was a fellow internet-er who came and had a wonderful time in Hollywood-land.

And I got to thinking about Mr. O, who knows me better than 40% of the actual people in my everyday life. And Lola Lakely who I love more than most of the alcoholic beverages we consume whenever we hang out. And Jamie, who, God bless her heart, mails me more cookie filled care packages than my own mother. These connections we form are so strong, and while I was thinking about it, I realized it's because online we can be SO SELECTIVE, we basically form these tight knit groups of people who are just like us, and who like the same things. And fuck me if that isn't the most genuinely awesome thing! That something people accuse of making our generation so "distant" can bring us some of the most awesome relationships. I fucking love it, and love those of you who stick around for my random ramblings. 

Since I can't figure out the hyperlinking in the title, here is Starring Role!

P.S. I really am trying harder and wanted to clear out the blogs I wasn't following so much and find some more awesome ones to follow and form some connections with, PLEASE, put some suggestions in the comments for people you think I'll love!

Shake It Out

So.... It's been a while.

The other day I was cleaning out my life, clothes, things, and I got to my computer and started going through bookmarks, and I couldn't bring myself to remove my blogger bookmark. I tried, then I put it back in and I realized I still wanted to have the option to post and communicate with ya'll even though, judging by my archive I'm terrible at it.

I'm going to go ahead and blame my ridiculously busy life, even though, here I am, making time for it. I admire people like Liz who still make time to be an actual good blogger (and an awesome person in general). I guess lately I haven't had much to say. Am I where I thought I would be at this point in my life? Absolutely not. But at the moment I'm content with that. Since moving I've had things happen that I would've never thought in a million years would happen. But lately I've been loving it all and as the holidays approach, I'm finding more and more to be thankful for.

I'm so thankful for the friends I've made here, and I think that's why I haven't been able to fully let go. And I want to definitely try to get back into it... so for now, I think I'm going to start fresh and work my way back to being a good blog friend. For that reason, I'm going to stop following a lot of the people I currently follow and only follow those that have stuck in for the long haul, and I know are still out there.

SO if you're reading this, comment with anything so I know you're there and don't get rid of you from my blogs I follow, and I hope that in the coming months I can go back to old times and reconnect with those of you I don't talk to outside of this.

P.S. How in the hell is it possible that it's already almost THANKSGIVING?!!?

P.P.S. Let me know if there are any burning questions you have for me, give me something to write about!

Sophomore Slump or Comeback of the Year

I'm not sure if anyone is even reading this anymore, but as I sit here texting Lola it makes me realize how strong of bonds I've formed through this blog and I don't want to give that up, so I really am trying to keep this going.

So much has happened since the last time I wrote on here (over 3 months ago :0!!) It'd be pointless for me to try and recap. If you really want to know you could browse:

Tumblr

Twitter

Facebook

However, there is a pretty big thing in the works that I will definitely post more about soon. And I have several impending visitors including a blogger meet up in the next month, I'm also frantically trying to organize another visit either home or to NY. All of that while trying to find a new apartment and pack to move. Found an awesome place in West Hollywood and I can't wait to move.

Anyway, for those of you still out there I thank you for your loyalty even though I rarely comment (although I do read them all!). I miss communicating with you guys all the time, hopefully (fingers crossed) that will change soon.

Teenage Dream

Uh ohhhhh, it's that time of year again, Valentine's Day. The time of year that people in a relationship love and single women fear. Well... some single women, I happen to be *mostly* oblivious to the holiday. That's not to say it doesn't make me think. I'm fine with my currently single status, but I do love to go out on dates every once in a while. I'm also not ruling out a relationship. This kind of babble is what Valentine's Day does to me, it doesn't make me bitter about my relationships or lack there of, but it does make me reflect about where I'm at in my life and what I want out of it.

While going through this years reflections I realized that I'm at a different spot than I thought I would be when I pictured my move to California. I pictured moving out here, getting an adult job, finding a great guy that I enjoyed hanging out with. Someone that would make me cheesy mixes of indie songs and someone I could make some awesome ringtones for (the first, and cheesiest of which would be the title song to this post). I wanted to be able to go to the beach and cuddle in the semi-chill, but mostly warm weather. Wow... all of this seems ridiculous as I'm typing it. How earth shattering, a girl feeling all left out CAPTIVATING! Phffft enough of that.

Anyways, the past two years of Valentine's Days we've had a big blowout for couples and singles alike, but this year no such luck. So either one of two things will happen 1) Someone will ask me out for a romantic dinner of In-n-Out between now and next week or 2) I will go drinking with some other single schmuck and call it a night. I'll keep you guys posted. I was having this discussion with a guy at work the other night that guys actually have it really easy on V-Day, all they need to do is put it a decent effort in (i.e. dinner and a movie, a good enough conversation) and they pretty much are getting lucky lol.

This was such a random post, long days at work and lots to do when I get home leads to this. Also it leads to me seriously debating cutting off a few inches and going blond, or red... or maybe darker. I just need a change. OOOO and P.S. I talked to Amy Adams today and she was an amazingly genuine, nice person. So all in all, life is good.

Left Behind

This past year has flown by, I don't know how it happened but it's February 5th, 2011, two entire years have passed since Kevin died. I've recently gotten to a weird stage in grief where I'm numb to the whole thing, until that moment where something reminds me of him. For example, the other day I was organizing my cd's when the DVD we got with pictures of Kevin on it showed up in the pile... all of the sudden I was a blubbering mess. It's not that the thought of him isn't around everyday, it's that pushed it down to the point that it takes a memory to pop it up to the surface at which point it really, really, sucks. REALLY. SUCKS.

Is this how it is from here on out? I've never lost someone close enough that this has been an issue other than Kevin, and if this is how it is then count me out. I wish I was back in East Lansing, with all of the people who loved Kevin, there to celebrate his life, celebrate all that he meant to each of us. He was one of those people that meant the world to several people, and in turn loved so many people. I realize I'm rambling... it's too hard to get out what I'm trying to say. It's like, people hear are in no way going to be mean, and they'll totally sympathize, but without knowing Kevin I feel like they won't fully get it. I figure most people think that. I guess that's the thing about personal connections, no one really understands your individual pain because they weren't a part of the bond you shared.

I went through my phone the other day and realized Kevin is still in my phone, and I didn't remove the number even though I took out several others. I couldn't bring myself to remove it. He's still on my phone, on my facebook, on my AIM, I can't remove him because it would somehow make it more real. I also don't trust myself, although I know it's not true I feel like I would allow myself to forget if I took him out of those places, if I didn't have the reminders.

Basically, to summarize; I wish losing someone didn't suck so much, but, if it didn't, the relationships wouldn't be as meaningful. Some of the things that always make me smile while remembering Kevin: Camp Rock, Disney songs, Harry Potter, Santa Claus, One Tree Hill, Boskey Bombs, Batman, and so many other things.

There are two songs that really remind me of Kevin, one being the title song from the play Spring Awakening. And the other being "Halloween" by Meg and Dia, which I put up last year, but I thought I'd post the lyrics again:

I've decided I'm done, don't care to move on,

not used to losing someone.

If I lost fate, was no choice I made,

except the excuse of no one.

Your careful silence can't replace your stupid smile,

casseroles and handshakes can't restore,

12 damn years of ours... You stole me.

I don't dare to try again,

they said time will heal and time will mend.

And on Halloween the last time you left,

if I knew you were never coming back.

I would've held on to that last day,

instead of 'here's your keys' the last thing I'd say

would be 'I love you', just in case.

I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.

I'll be with you someday.

Take down my mirror, my pictures of costumes and you.

Put aside posters and books and aged fortunes,

and all this reminds me of you.

With a pat on the back they say 'honey, it's time to move on.

I'm sure we can find you a hobby now that he's gone'

I stole you.

I don't dare to try again, they said time will heal,

and time will med. And on Halloween, the last time you left,

if I knew you were never coming back, I would've held on to that last day.

Instead of 'here's your keys' the last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'

Just in case, I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.

They don't understand, we were like this since the first time we met.

We were born holding hands, give me flowers and cards,

I'll smile all they want, if they give me what I want, Give me what I want!

I don't dare to try again, they say time will heal, and time will mend.

And on Halloween, the last time you left, if I knew you were never coming back.

I would've held on to that last day, instead of 'here's your keys',

the last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'. Just in case.

I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby. I'll be with you someday.

I hope that anyone who knew Kevin takes this day to reflect on how TRULY AWESOME he was every single day he lived. And that we all can strive to be that awesome as well. Keep on looking out for us Kevin, we all miss you more than ever. I miss you calling me Norah before you even saw the movie. You're my musical soul mate.