Saturday, February 5, 2011

Left Behind

This past year has flown by, I don't know how it happened but it's February 5th, 2011, two entire years have passed since Kevin died. I've recently gotten to a weird stage in grief where I'm numb to the whole thing, until that moment where something reminds me of him. For example, the other day I was organizing my cd's when the DVD we got with pictures of Kevin on it showed up in the pile... all of the sudden I was a blubbering mess. It's not that the thought of him isn't around everyday, it's that pushed it down to the point that it takes a memory to pop it up to the surface at which point it really, really, sucks. REALLY. SUCKS.

Is this how it is from here on out? I've never lost someone close enough that this has been an issue other than Kevin, and if this is how it is then count me out. I wish I was back in East Lansing, with all of the people who loved Kevin, there to celebrate his life, celebrate all that he meant to each of us. He was one of those people that meant the world to several people, and in turn loved so many people. I realize I'm rambling... it's too hard to get out what I'm trying to say. It's like, people hear are in no way going to be mean, and they'll totally sympathize, but without knowing Kevin I feel like they won't fully get it. I figure most people think that. I guess that's the thing about personal connections, no one really understands your individual pain because they weren't a part of the bond you shared.

I went through my phone the other day and realized Kevin is still in my phone, and I didn't remove the number even though I took out several others. I couldn't bring myself to remove it. He's still on my phone, on my facebook, on my AIM, I can't remove him because it would somehow make it more real. I also don't trust myself, although I know it's not true I feel like I would allow myself to forget if I took him out of those places, if I didn't have the reminders.

Basically, to summarize; I wish losing someone didn't suck so much, but, if it didn't, the relationships wouldn't be as meaningful. Some of the things that always make me smile while remembering Kevin: Camp Rock, Disney songs, Harry Potter, Santa Claus, One Tree Hill, Boskey Bombs, Batman, and so many other things.

There are two songs that really remind me of Kevin, one being the title song from the play Spring Awakening. And the other being "Halloween" by Meg and Dia, which I put up last year, but I thought I'd post the lyrics again:

I've decided I'm done, don't care to move on,
not used to losing someone.
If I lost fate, was no choice I made,
except the excuse of no one.
Your careful silence can't replace your stupid smile,
casseroles and handshakes can't restore,
12 damn years of ours... You stole me.

I don't dare to try again,
they said time will heal and time will mend.
And on Halloween the last time you left,
if I knew you were never coming back.
I would've held on to that last day,
instead of 'here's your keys' the last thing I'd say
would be 'I love you', just in case.
I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.

I'll be with you someday.

Take down my mirror, my pictures of costumes and you.
Put aside posters and books and aged fortunes,
and all this reminds me of you.
With a pat on the back they say 'honey, it's time to move on.
I'm sure we can find you a hobby now that he's gone'
I stole you.

I don't dare to try again, they said time will heal,
and time will med. And on Halloween, the last time you left,
if I knew you were never coming back, I would've held on to that last day.
Instead of 'here's your keys' the last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'
Just in case, I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby.

They don't understand, we were like this since the first time we met.
We were born holding hands, give me flowers and cards,
I'll smile all they want, if they give me what I want, Give me what I want!

I don't dare to try again, they say time will heal, and time will mend.
And on Halloween, the last time you left, if I knew you were never coming back.
I would've held on to that last day, instead of 'here's your keys',
the last thing I'd say would be 'I love you'. Just in case.
I'm only myself when I'm with you, baby. I'll be with you someday.

I hope that anyone who knew Kevin takes this day to reflect on how TRULY AWESOME he was every single day he lived. And that we all can strive to be that awesome as well. Keep on looking out for us Kevin, we all miss you more than ever. I miss you calling me Norah before you even saw the movie. You're my musical soul mate.

2 comments:

Allison said...

Jeanette - It's nice to see you writing again, even if it is for a sad reason. You're right, no one else will fully get it unless they knew him. I've been lucky so far in my life to have never had to deal with this sort of loss. But I did lose both my grandparents within a month of each other a few summer's back. And while they were old, I was going though a lot because of it. It's a lot to take.

Overtime I'm sure the sadness will fade (never disappear, but fade) and you'll have mostly the happy memories left.

Take care! Thinking of you - you can always message me :)

Mr O said...

I hope it felt good to get these words out. I know sometimes that helps.

I won't say much else, but just that I know completely what you are talking about.

And you got me to listen to the Halloween song. So thank you for that